Learning Self-Care in a Season of Waiting and Lament

Back in September I had the opportunity to speak at a crafting retreat at Village Creek Bible Camp, AKA the best place on the planet. If you’ve never been there I even remotely like to craft, even just coloring, talk to me. There is a retreat in the Spring that I’d be happy to introduce you to my favorite place. Many of you know that I returned home from the Peru almost a year and a half ago. The last year and a half has been filled with ups and downs. When I had returned home from Peru and spent several months getting my life “put together” again. About this time last year, I thought I was finally at this place where I could start to do real life adult things like find a full time children’s ministry job. Move out of my parents’ house and take on the many responsibilities that come with adulthood.

Shortly after leaving the crafting retreat in September of last year I begin the process of applications and resumes. I had found a position that looked really promising. In fact, I had gone through a 5-month long interview process before receiving the no at the end. Right before this news came I was having a great time in Belize with some wonderful camp friends. In fact, one of the best most influential missions trips I’ve ever been on. More on this in a second. After returning home I got the news that I didn’t get this job that I had started to dream and picture. I was bummed, to say the least. The next day I was visiting my grandma, affectionately called, Nanny. I was telling her all about Belize. Specifically, a moment when the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me as I prayed for a man who was almost completely blind because of cataracts. I prayed like I had never prayed before. Then that’s when the call came. You see, while in Belize Nanny had gone in for a routine colonoscopy. But the doctor was unable to complete it because they found a tumor blocking their path. Instead they performed a biopsy. The call came. Stage 4 recurrent ovarian cancer. After 16 years of remission this ugly disease was rearing its ugly head in Nanny’s body again. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. But Nanny, being Nanny. Said, “pray for me the way you did that man in Belize.” When Nanny tells you to do something you do it. So I prayed. Well really I cried. Tried to pray and then cried some more.

Fast forward a month when Nanny did her first round of chemo. We almost lost her to the stupid chemo. We see now that God had his hand in things. Because of this whole ordeal Nanny was able to make a smooth transition from the hospital to skilled nursing. Nanny decided to do no more chemo. Doctors said 1 maybe 2 months to live. Family from all over including China came to say their “last” goodbyes.

In the next few months my search for work came to a halt. I visited Nanny 3-4 times a week. Bringing her favorite black Dunkin Donuts coffee. Also, during this time my former high school softball coach contacted me. He offered me a job to be his assistant coach in the spring for WA’s varsity team. This was one week before the season started. I said yes. I needed something to fill my time besides Nanny. During the softball season Nanny’s health slowly improved. She moved from being wheelchair bound to shuffling in her walker, to speeding past everyone in their wheelchairs as if she were in the Indy 500. The hospice doctor called and told us she didn’t need hospice and she didn’t need skilled nursing. So we took her off hospice and she was placed on a wait list for assisted living. When this happened I realized that I needed to make a plan for my life again. I needed to move forward. Find a job. So early May I got back on the job hunt. I applied for 20 some jobs in the span of a week. Within the month I received 20 “no’s”. I was feeling defeated. Warn out. Frustrated. One weekend in early June my cousin and I were going camping I started telling her about what I thought God had been trying to get through my thick skull and I wanted a second opinion. Yes. I wanted a second opinion to God’s. I thought that God was telling me no to ministry. In the early days of June I read a book called “No More Faking Fine” by Esther Fleece. The premise of this book is around the idea of lament. A new topic for me. I mean I knew about lament from Lamentations and David in the Psalms but that was about it. I didn’t really know what lamenting looked like. But I learned during this season of uncertainty that lament was a fluent language to me. Many times in frustration I would ask God, why. Why no ministry? I’ve been working towards working in children’s ministry since I was in 6^th grade. Why no ministry? It was during this camping trip with my cousin when it wasn’t a flat out no. But rather a not right now. So I said ok God. If it’s not right now then what is? That is when the Lord through rejected resumes and interviews revealed to me a new calling. Early Childhood Education. Fast forward to now and I’ve completed my first two classes of grad school and began my third.

There are a few things that I would like to point out during this season. The first was prayer. The second obedience, the third waiting. Finally, self-care.

First prayer. Prayer is how we communicate with God. When we choose not to pray we choose to cut off our communication with God. He will still love us. And I believe that God will still try to communicate with us. But God wants to hear from us. He wants to hear the voice of his children. However, I noticed during this season that my prayers were not what my prayers had typically looked like. My prayers took on the form of lament. With Nanny being sick, with not knowing what job to pursue, my prayers turned into lament. Esther Fleece says in her book No More Faking Fine that, “A lament is a passionate expression of our pain that God meets us in.” God was meeting me in my pain. The thing is needed to lament. I needed to make my frustration and hurt known. I know God already knows but I needed to tell him.

The next three things all go hand in hand. Obedience, waiting, and self-care. Waiting. While I was waiting for answers to my lament I needed to keep moving forward. I continued in my walk with Jesus. I continued to apply to jobs even though they lead to more defeat. In my waiting I needed to be obedient. I needed to continue to wait obediently. If you will. In the waiting and obedience, I learned about self-care. I learned about things I need to make a priority in my life if I’m going to feel and be the best version of myself possible. This past summer I was at the heaviest I had ever been. I didn’t truly realize it but I was miserable. I didn’t know I was miserable until I started to take care of myself. I’ve never been great at self-care. Again, in Esther Fleece’s book she says, “Sometimes we hear so many others-focused sermons in church that we lose the ability to know how to biblically care for ourselves.” How true? I learned that I need to lament. I need to let my frustrations out. I also have and am currently battling taking care of my body. I’m learning how to change my mindset of how I view food and how it makes me feel. I’m learning how to get exercise in a way that is healthy for my body right now. I’m also learning about the amount of sleep I need to function. But through all this I’ve seen God work through me and in me.

One last quote from Esther Fleece, “Suffering makes us feel like we’ve lost all control in our lives, so finding a scapegoat is appealing because it feels like we’re taking back at least some control.” For me this was food. This was the thing I could control but for whatever reason I wasn’t doing a good job at it. What I thought I was in control of was actually controlling me. Over the past 4 months I’ve been on a mindset shift. To take care of the body God has given me so that I can work and serve him in the best way possible.

Through this season of uncertainty there is one scripture that I’ve clung to that has spoken to me that I’d like to share.

Lamentations 3:22-26

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.