This morning I woke up with the thought. "I haven't blogged in a while. I need to write again." Well it's 1:30pm on Tuesday the 29th of August. I'm sitting in my parents office while the repair man fixes the ice machine and I found a post that I wrote and never published back in April shortly after I returned from Peru. I reread it and was instantly struck by my own words and how encouraging they are for me right now (See below to read that post). A lot has happened since I returned home from the field five months ago. I've been in a wedding, been a guest at a wedding, had a cousins trip to Door County, a trip to Florida, a missions trip to the Dominican Republic, family visiting from Pennsylvania and North Carolina, two weeks working at Village Creek Bible Camp and looking forward to the weeks ahead visiting family and friends in Colorado, Kentucky, and Iowa. Needless to say its been busy.
During this busy season I've also had time to reflect and think about my time in Peru. I'm happy to say that I have hit the point where I look back on Peru and I smile and laugh. That wasn't the case three months ago. I remember funny moments of butchering the language both in class and out and about with my host family. I think of moments like walking from my host home to what seemed like the clear opposite side of the city in the pouring rain with Angela just to get in a taxi and drive two blocks. I think of going to see La Bella y La Bestia (Beauty and the Beast) with several of the young adults from church. There are things that I am beginning to miss; like the view of the Misti volcano from my bedroom window, walking everywhere, learning public transportation, queso helado, and being called the gringa by some of the kids at Ciudad de Dios. Remembering the good and funny things isn't all I've thought about.
I've also had some tough stuff to wrestle through. This next story is a bit long but please hang in there. A couple weeks ago while working at camp I was asked to host breakfast. Now, hosting breakfast is different than other meals because instead of serving dessert you prepare and serve juice. It's also different because during a junior camp instead of setting out large drink dispensers for self serve juice you go around with a cart and small juice cups and serve each camper and staff member yourself. Some how in my time of working at camp from 2011 until that point I had never been a breakfast host. I knew everything about getting the dining room ready, set up the cereal station, toaster stations, make sure the coffee station is stocked. But I had never done juice during a junior camp before. Let me set the scene. I'm told to arrive 45 minutes before the 8:00am meal. I ended up arriving 10 minutes early. I couldn't sleep because I was anxious to host the meal. And not anxious excited. I arrive and see that there are still chairs stacked on the tables from the previous night so I begin to take them down. However, one person taking down about 175 chairs by themselves takes time. A few others who strolled in to grab early morning coffees ended up helping take chairs down. (THANK YOU!) About 10 minutes after the original start time I realize that the main host who knows what he's doing isn't there yet. Ensue a little panic. He finally shows up another 5 minutes later. Chairs are finally down and I start wiping down tables. He puts out toast stations, cereal station, and stocks up the coffee station. I put a new thing of milk out. I find him making juice. I ask how I can help. He says find pitchers, find small juice cups, find a second cart. Then proceeds to complain how behind the schedule we are. (In my head I think. Well you did arrive 15 minutes late.) Then after making the juice he heads out with one of the carts to start serving. Over his head on the way out he says, get the second and start serving from the opposite end of the dining hall. Looking at my cart, I see zero cups, half a pitcher of apple juice, a quarter pitcher of orange, and no grape juice. He had left with each jars of juice. I see on the counter extra juice concentrate. So I assume, that he wants me to make more juice and then serve from the opposite end. Well, I took too long. I came out with my cart as he is preparing to come back in and says, "You're late. I just finished. Give me your empty cups. (with a look of frustration) Why don't you just go serve people?" Now, I'm even more flustered than before. I'm thinking to myself at this point if you had given me more instruction we could both have been out there serving instead of just you. He tells me that we can go eat. Before heading for food I head to the bathroom. I head to a stall and begin to weep. At first I wasn't sure where the tears were coming from. I prayed a prayer then went for some pancakes and bacon. As the day proceeds breakfast hosting weighed heavy on my thoughts. I was trying to figure out where the tears had come from when I make a connection. I had felt powerless and out of control. I felt like I was stuck. Like there was nothing I could have done to make the situation better. I was stressed and anxious. The last time I felt this way was while I was in Peru. Now, knowing what I know I began to think of how I could have made it so I wasn't as stressed or anxious. I should have asked him to give me clearer instructions of what to do with my cart that was lacking supplies. I saw the other host later that day and apologized for my clueless behavior. He then proceeded to say that he acted like a jerk and needed to remind himself how he felt the first time he hosted a meal.
For the first time I was able to articulate my feelings of anxiety and stress. After returning home from camp I had applied for a job at my home church. I didn't get the job but for reasons that are more than understanding if not helpful for bettering my future work potential. After hearing the at the time disappointing news of not getting the job I made a rather rash decision to make a trip out to Colorado. I arrived and immediately saw my Flatirons family. I was caught up on all the church happenings and was able to tell about my own story of the past year since my last visit. Although this trip doesn't show any promise of a job immediately I am encouraged. I am affirmed. In a way, getting turned down the job at home and being affirmed in my children's ministry gifts by my Flatirons friends was the boost I needed to step forward. To move on and take the risk of looking for work at a new church.
I head back to Wheaton today with a new found hope. With courage to step out and take a risk. Because I'm not called to be comfortable and God promises that it will be good. It may not be easy. But it will be good. In a sermon on Sunday morning, Scott talked about how good things are good. But when a good thing becomes and ultimate thing in return that once good thing becomes a bad thing. I'm learning that I've been clinging to comfort. Comfort is a good thing but I've been making it an ultimate thing in my life. Because of my love of comfortable and my dislike for being hurt I've stayed where I am. But I can't just stand here anymore. I've been waiting for clarity but I"m not going to get anywhere if I keep waiting because we don't always get clarity until we take steps. So, when I go home I'm going to take some steps. I'm going to take some risks.
This is the "unpublished" post I referenced earlier.
I recently heard a song by Hillsong called Even When It Hurts. I first heard this song on one of my last days in Peru when I was facing some of the deepest pain I have ever experienced. When I prayed to God I felt my words were empty. I was desperate for an answer. For relief. For anything but the pain I was feeling. Then I heard this song and I thought this is my song. This is the song for my season. Each verse spoke volumes to how was and still am feeling. Especially the verse that goes, "Even when the fight seems lost I'll praise you Even when it hurts like hell I'll praise you Even when it makes no sense to sing Louder then I'll sing Your praise."
There were many moments in the past month where I thought I was living my worst nightmare. I thought I was going through hell. I didn't see purpose. I didn't see hope. All I saw was the pain I was in and that I was ready to be done. I needed to get help and fast. I had a few meetings with a counselor and through prayer and guidance I chose to leave the field.
I don't know what is in store for me in this next season. I know God knows. My prayer comes from another verse of this song, "Take this mountain weight Take these ocean tears Hold me through the trial Come like hope again." I know that this next season will not be easy as I wrestle with where the symptoms of depression came from and rediscover a burning passion for God and his calling in my life.
Another reason that I love this song is that it emphasizes praising God in the good and the bad. With where I am right now I am struggling to praise the Lord. Each day I have to make a conscience decision to look for one thing in my day to praise God for and thank him for it.
"Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)"
Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again
Even when my strength is lost
I'll praise You
Even when I have no song
I'll praise You
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then I'll sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again
Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
And my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the morning has come
Lord my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the miracle comes
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
Even when the morning comes
I'll praise You
Even when the fight is won
I'll praise You
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I'll sing your praise
I will only sing Your praise
