Learning Self-Care in a Season of Waiting and Lament

Back in September I had the opportunity to speak at a crafting retreat at Village Creek Bible Camp, AKA the best place on the planet. If you’ve never been there I even remotely like to craft, even just coloring, talk to me. There is a retreat in the Spring that I’d be happy to introduce you to my favorite place. Many of you know that I returned home from the Peru almost a year and a half ago. The last year and a half has been filled with ups and downs. When I had returned home from Peru and spent several months getting my life “put together” again. About this time last year, I thought I was finally at this place where I could start to do real life adult things like find a full time children’s ministry job. Move out of my parents’ house and take on the many responsibilities that come with adulthood.

Shortly after leaving the crafting retreat in September of last year I begin the process of applications and resumes. I had found a position that looked really promising. In fact, I had gone through a 5-month long interview process before receiving the no at the end. Right before this news came I was having a great time in Belize with some wonderful camp friends. In fact, one of the best most influential missions trips I’ve ever been on. More on this in a second. After returning home I got the news that I didn’t get this job that I had started to dream and picture. I was bummed, to say the least. The next day I was visiting my grandma, affectionately called, Nanny. I was telling her all about Belize. Specifically, a moment when the Holy Spirit overwhelmed me as I prayed for a man who was almost completely blind because of cataracts. I prayed like I had never prayed before. Then that’s when the call came. You see, while in Belize Nanny had gone in for a routine colonoscopy. But the doctor was unable to complete it because they found a tumor blocking their path. Instead they performed a biopsy. The call came. Stage 4 recurrent ovarian cancer. After 16 years of remission this ugly disease was rearing its ugly head in Nanny’s body again. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. But Nanny, being Nanny. Said, “pray for me the way you did that man in Belize.” When Nanny tells you to do something you do it. So I prayed. Well really I cried. Tried to pray and then cried some more.

Fast forward a month when Nanny did her first round of chemo. We almost lost her to the stupid chemo. We see now that God had his hand in things. Because of this whole ordeal Nanny was able to make a smooth transition from the hospital to skilled nursing. Nanny decided to do no more chemo. Doctors said 1 maybe 2 months to live. Family from all over including China came to say their “last” goodbyes.

In the next few months my search for work came to a halt. I visited Nanny 3-4 times a week. Bringing her favorite black Dunkin Donuts coffee. Also, during this time my former high school softball coach contacted me. He offered me a job to be his assistant coach in the spring for WA’s varsity team. This was one week before the season started. I said yes. I needed something to fill my time besides Nanny. During the softball season Nanny’s health slowly improved. She moved from being wheelchair bound to shuffling in her walker, to speeding past everyone in their wheelchairs as if she were in the Indy 500. The hospice doctor called and told us she didn’t need hospice and she didn’t need skilled nursing. So we took her off hospice and she was placed on a wait list for assisted living. When this happened I realized that I needed to make a plan for my life again. I needed to move forward. Find a job. So early May I got back on the job hunt. I applied for 20 some jobs in the span of a week. Within the month I received 20 “no’s”. I was feeling defeated. Warn out. Frustrated. One weekend in early June my cousin and I were going camping I started telling her about what I thought God had been trying to get through my thick skull and I wanted a second opinion. Yes. I wanted a second opinion to God’s. I thought that God was telling me no to ministry. In the early days of June I read a book called “No More Faking Fine” by Esther Fleece. The premise of this book is around the idea of lament. A new topic for me. I mean I knew about lament from Lamentations and David in the Psalms but that was about it. I didn’t really know what lamenting looked like. But I learned during this season of uncertainty that lament was a fluent language to me. Many times in frustration I would ask God, why. Why no ministry? I’ve been working towards working in children’s ministry since I was in 6^th grade. Why no ministry? It was during this camping trip with my cousin when it wasn’t a flat out no. But rather a not right now. So I said ok God. If it’s not right now then what is? That is when the Lord through rejected resumes and interviews revealed to me a new calling. Early Childhood Education. Fast forward to now and I’ve completed my first two classes of grad school and began my third.

There are a few things that I would like to point out during this season. The first was prayer. The second obedience, the third waiting. Finally, self-care.

First prayer. Prayer is how we communicate with God. When we choose not to pray we choose to cut off our communication with God. He will still love us. And I believe that God will still try to communicate with us. But God wants to hear from us. He wants to hear the voice of his children. However, I noticed during this season that my prayers were not what my prayers had typically looked like. My prayers took on the form of lament. With Nanny being sick, with not knowing what job to pursue, my prayers turned into lament. Esther Fleece says in her book No More Faking Fine that, “A lament is a passionate expression of our pain that God meets us in.” God was meeting me in my pain. The thing is needed to lament. I needed to make my frustration and hurt known. I know God already knows but I needed to tell him.

The next three things all go hand in hand. Obedience, waiting, and self-care. Waiting. While I was waiting for answers to my lament I needed to keep moving forward. I continued in my walk with Jesus. I continued to apply to jobs even though they lead to more defeat. In my waiting I needed to be obedient. I needed to continue to wait obediently. If you will. In the waiting and obedience, I learned about self-care. I learned about things I need to make a priority in my life if I’m going to feel and be the best version of myself possible. This past summer I was at the heaviest I had ever been. I didn’t truly realize it but I was miserable. I didn’t know I was miserable until I started to take care of myself. I’ve never been great at self-care. Again, in Esther Fleece’s book she says, “Sometimes we hear so many others-focused sermons in church that we lose the ability to know how to biblically care for ourselves.” How true? I learned that I need to lament. I need to let my frustrations out. I also have and am currently battling taking care of my body. I’m learning how to change my mindset of how I view food and how it makes me feel. I’m learning how to get exercise in a way that is healthy for my body right now. I’m also learning about the amount of sleep I need to function. But through all this I’ve seen God work through me and in me.

One last quote from Esther Fleece, “Suffering makes us feel like we’ve lost all control in our lives, so finding a scapegoat is appealing because it feels like we’re taking back at least some control.” For me this was food. This was the thing I could control but for whatever reason I wasn’t doing a good job at it. What I thought I was in control of was actually controlling me. Over the past 4 months I’ve been on a mindset shift. To take care of the body God has given me so that I can work and serve him in the best way possible.

Through this season of uncertainty there is one scripture that I’ve clung to that has spoken to me that I’d like to share.

Lamentations 3:22-26

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,
    to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
    for the salvation of the Lord.

The Power of Prayer

I've been learning and experiencing a lot lately. About a month ago after a conversation with my grandma several of the things I've been learning and experiencing were pieced together with a word: prayer.

Earlier this year I had the opportunity to go on a short term missions trip to Belize with a team from Village Creek Bible Camp. We joined TJ Hanken and his ministry Resourcing Now to distribute Christian literature throughout the country. During two of the days of this trip our team went into some remote villages that are often avoided simply because the road to the villages is in such poor condition. (Picture the game of popcorn. You know, the one where some sits rolled up like a ball on a trampoline while their friends jump around them trying to get the rolled up friend to sprawl out. The road felt like the one being jostled around.) As we went through these 5 villages we would load up our backpacks with Bibles, devotionals, kids literature, and so forth. With each house we would offer a Bible and devotionals and then conclude by praying for the family. The first village we visited was just awkward and uncomfortable. Neither my partner or I had ever done door to door ministry before and quite simply had no idea what to do or say once the family invited us in. By the second day I felt like I finally had a grip on what we were doing and was no longer uncomfortable. Each house I offered the opportunity to pray for them and no one turned me down. After this day we continued to visit more and more people in hospitals, homes for those with special needs, and a prison. However, at one particular home we were told to bring some rice and beans, a couple pairs of reading glasses, and literature with us as the elderly man in the home could not make it to our bus to get his rice and beans himself. I walked into the home and told the man that we had reading glasses for him to try on. I put the weaker pair on his face first. Held up a Bible for him to tell me if they helped. They didn't. I went to get the stronger pair and before I even put them on his face he revealed to us that he could not even make out the features our faces. All he could see was a blob of a being in front of him. It was then that we felt rather helpless. With him not able to see leaving a Bible didn't make any sense. We did leave rice and beans. But it was still a hard pill to swallow that up until now every home we went into was able to graciously accept a Bible and reading glasses. In the moment the Holy Spirit prompted me to ask if I could pray for him. He simply wanted his sight restored. So I prayed for his vision and that the Lord would restore his vision.

The reason all these moments to pray for people stands out to me is because I don't normally enjoy praying out loud. In fact, I've been notorious to just say I'll pray for people later and usually never do.

When I returned home from Belize I felt more confident in my ability to pray. Specifically out loud and as the Holy Spirit leads.  I learned shortly after getting home that my grandma, Nanny, as we affectionately call her, had gone in for a colonoscopy. The doctor was unable to complete it because he had hit a mass. They did a biopsy and the results came back cancerous. Specifically ovarian cancer on the colon. Nanny has been in remission from ovarian cancer for 16 years. I was with her when she was told she had cancer. Expecting to see Nanny in tears I saw her confident and strong. She told me she felt really good and she prayed that the Lord would be her great physician. A week later she had a scan to see how big the mass was and how far spread the cancer is. The scan will help us figure out what the next best steps for Nanny are.

Last night I went to visit Nanny. The Vesper service at Windsor had just finished when I walked in. She turned the TV off and we talked about my church service that morning. We read her devotional for the day from Our Daily Bread together. We talked about the power of the Holy Spirit and the power of prayer. I mentioned the new Bible study I started about the Armor of God and how this week we heard about how prayer is the weapon that activates the rest of our armor. We talked about how when we have nothing else to offer we can offer prayer. (At this moment I was reminded of the older man in Belize who couldn't see.)

Then we talked about Philippians 4: 4-7, "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

We talked about how Nanny feels at peace right now. I noted a sermon from church not to long ago where I heard that we can't have the peace of God until we have peace with God. Nanny has peace with God. She then asked me to pray for her.

I wrote the above back in the end of January. A lot has happened since then. Nanny has received her first round of chemo and after a difficult week of side effects she has decided that she will no longer receive chemo and does not want to do any surgery. Over the month of February and start of March all of Nanny's kids, grandkids, and great grandkids have had to opportunity to make some lasting memories and many have had to say their earthly goodbye. None of us know how many days we have on this earth. Nanny is one woman who I admire and look up to. She has been a constant source of love and kindness. She is always pointing me towards Jesus and teaching me to walk in His ways.

Last week a few nurses were in her room trying to flush out her port. They were having some trouble flushing it out and she could tell the nurses were getting frustrated. She thought to herself, "Why am I not praying that this would work for them?" So she prayed and in the next few minutes the nurses were able to successfully flush out her port. Later that day a janitor came to clean her room. Being Nanny she struck up friendly conversation with him. She told him about the situation with her port and praying for the nurses to be able to flush it out. He proceeds to explain how he's not sure what he thinks about this whole Jesus thing. Nanny says, "Well you should give Jesus a try. He answered my prayer today for the nurses." As he was finishing up in the room he says, "Miss. Harsch I think I will give that Jesus thing another try."

Nanny has proved to me that our days should not be wasted. We never know when our last breath will be and we don't want to waste a moment to share the love of Jesus with those we are around. I'm so thankful that I have not only Jesus but I have Nanny who has been and still is an amazing example of loving others without question. Nanny has fought the good fight and I believe that Jesus will say, "well done good and faithful servant" when she enters into the gates of heaven. Until that moment I will continue to learn and glean from Nanny all that I can. The power of prayer is amazing. Nanny has made that clear to me with both the simple and the complex.