Too Comfortable and "Even When it Hurts"

An in advance warning. This blog post was initially written in April a week after returning to the States after Peru. Then it was revisited in late August and again the beginning of September (today, 9/5/17, I am hoping to finally finish it).

This morning I woke up with the thought. "I haven't blogged in a while. I need to write again." Well it's 1:30pm on Tuesday the 29th of August. I'm sitting in my parents office while the repair man fixes the ice machine and I found a post that I wrote and never published back in April shortly after I returned from Peru. I reread it and was instantly struck by my own words and how encouraging they are for me right now (See below to read that post). A lot has happened since I returned home from the field five months ago. I've been in a wedding, been a guest at a wedding, had a cousins trip to Door County, a trip to Florida, a missions trip to the Dominican Republic, family visiting from Pennsylvania and North Carolina, two weeks working at Village Creek Bible Camp and looking forward to the weeks ahead visiting family and friends in Colorado, Kentucky, and Iowa. Needless to say its been busy. 

During this busy season I've also had time to reflect and think about my time in Peru. I'm happy to say that I have hit the point where I look back on Peru and I smile and laugh. That wasn't the case three months ago. I remember funny moments of butchering the language both in class and out and about with my host family. I think of moments like walking from my host home to what seemed like the clear opposite side of the city in the pouring rain with Angela just to get in a taxi and drive two blocks. I think of going to see La Bella y La Bestia (Beauty and the Beast) with several of the young adults from church. There are things that I am beginning to miss; like the view of the Misti volcano from my bedroom window, walking everywhere, learning public transportation, queso helado, and being called the gringa by some of the kids at Ciudad de Dios. Remembering the good and funny things isn't all I've thought about. 

I've also had some tough stuff to wrestle through. This next story is a bit long but please hang in there. A couple weeks ago while working at camp I was asked to host breakfast. Now, hosting breakfast is different than other meals because instead of serving dessert you prepare and serve juice. It's also different because during a junior camp instead of setting out large drink dispensers for self serve juice you go around with a cart and small juice cups and serve each camper and staff member yourself. Some how in my time of working at camp from 2011 until that point I had never been a breakfast host. I knew everything about getting the dining room ready, set up the cereal station, toaster stations, make sure the coffee station is stocked. But I had never done juice during a junior camp before. Let me set the scene. I'm told to arrive 45 minutes before the 8:00am meal. I ended up arriving 10 minutes early. I couldn't sleep because I was anxious to host the meal. And not anxious excited. I arrive and see that there are still chairs stacked on the tables from the previous night so I begin to take them down. However, one person taking down about 175 chairs by themselves takes time. A few others who strolled in to grab early morning coffees ended up helping take chairs down. (THANK YOU!) About 10 minutes after the original start time I realize that the main host who knows what he's doing isn't there yet. Ensue a little panic. He finally shows up another 5 minutes later. Chairs are finally down and I start wiping down tables. He puts out toast stations, cereal station, and stocks up the coffee station. I put a new thing of milk out. I find him making juice. I ask how I can help. He says find pitchers, find small juice cups, find a second cart. Then proceeds to complain how behind the schedule we are. (In my head I think. Well you did arrive 15 minutes late.) Then after making the juice he heads out with one of the carts to start serving. Over his head on the way out he says, get the second and start serving from the opposite end of the dining hall. Looking at my cart, I see zero cups, half a pitcher of apple juice, a quarter pitcher of orange, and no grape juice. He had left with each jars of juice. I see on the counter extra juice concentrate. So I assume, that he wants me to make more juice and then serve from the opposite end. Well, I took too long. I came out with my cart as he is preparing to come back in and says, "You're late. I just finished. Give me your empty cups. (with a look of frustration) Why don't you just go serve people?" Now, I'm even more flustered than before. I'm thinking to myself at this point if you had given me more instruction we could both have been out there serving instead of just you. He tells me that we can go eat. Before heading for food I head to the bathroom. I head to a stall and begin to weep. At first I wasn't sure where the tears were coming from. I prayed a prayer then went for some pancakes and bacon. As the day proceeds breakfast hosting weighed heavy on my thoughts. I was trying to figure out where the tears had come from when I make a connection. I had felt powerless and out of control. I felt like I was stuck. Like there was nothing I could have done to make the situation better. I was stressed and anxious. The last time I felt this way was while I was in Peru. Now, knowing what I know I began to think of how I could have made it so I wasn't as stressed or anxious. I should have asked him to give me clearer instructions of what to do with my cart that was lacking supplies. I saw the other host later that day and apologized for my clueless behavior. He then proceeded to say that he acted like a jerk and needed to remind himself how he felt the first time he hosted a meal. 

For the first time I was able to articulate my feelings of anxiety and stress. After returning home from camp I had applied for a job at my home church. I didn't get the job but for reasons that are more than understanding if not helpful for bettering my future work potential. After hearing the at the time disappointing news of not getting the job I made a rather rash decision to make a trip out to Colorado. I arrived and immediately saw my Flatirons family. I was caught up on all the church happenings and was able to tell about my own story of the past year since my last visit. Although this trip doesn't show any promise of a job immediately I am encouraged. I am affirmed. In a way, getting turned down the job at home and being affirmed in my children's ministry gifts by my Flatirons friends was the boost I needed to step forward. To move on and take the risk of looking for work at a new church. 

I head back to Wheaton today with a new found hope. With courage to step out and take a risk. Because I'm not called to be comfortable and God promises that it will be good. It may not be easy. But it will be good. In a sermon on Sunday morning, Scott talked about how good things are good. But when a good thing becomes and ultimate thing in return that once good thing becomes a bad thing. I'm learning that I've been clinging to comfort. Comfort is a good thing but I've been making it an ultimate thing in my life. Because of my love of comfortable and my dislike for being hurt I've stayed where I am. But I can't just stand here anymore. I've been waiting for clarity but I"m not going to get anywhere if I keep waiting because we don't always get clarity until we take steps. So, when I go home I'm going to take some steps. I'm going to take some risks. 

This is the "unpublished" post I referenced earlier.
I recently heard a song by Hillsong called Even When It Hurts. I first heard this song on one of my last days in Peru when I was facing some of the deepest pain I have ever experienced. When I prayed to God I felt my words were empty. I was desperate for an answer. For relief. For anything but the pain I was feeling. Then I heard this song and I thought this is my song. This is the song for my season. Each verse spoke volumes to how was and still am feeling. Especially the verse that goes, "Even when the fight seems lost I'll praise you Even when it hurts like hell I'll praise you Even when it makes no sense to sing Louder then I'll sing Your praise." 

There were many moments in the past month where I thought I was living my worst nightmare. I thought I was going through hell. I didn't see purpose. I didn't see hope. All I saw was the pain I was in and that I was ready to be done. I needed to get help and fast. I had a few meetings with a counselor and through prayer and guidance I chose to leave the field. 

I don't know what is in store for me in this next season. I know God knows. My prayer comes from another verse of this song, "Take this mountain weight Take these ocean tears Hold me through the trial Come like hope again." I know that this next season will not be easy as I wrestle with where the symptoms of depression came from and rediscover a burning passion for God and his calling in my life. 

Another reason that I love this song is that it emphasizes praising God in the good and the bad. With where I am right now I am struggling to praise the Lord. Each day I have to make a conscience decision to look for one thing in my day to praise God for and thank him for it. 


"Even When It Hurts (Praise Song)"
Take this fainted heart
Take these tainted hands
Wash me in Your love
Come like grace again

Even when my strength is lost
I'll praise You
Even when I have no song
I'll praise You
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then I'll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Take this mountain weight
Take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial
Come like hope again

Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise You
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise You
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing Your praise

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

And my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the morning has come

Lord my heart burns only for You
You are all You are all I want
And my soul waits only for You
And I will sing till the miracle comes

I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise
I will only sing Your praise

Even when the morning comes
I'll praise You
Even when the fight is won
I'll praise You
Even when my time on earth is done
Louder then I'll sing your praise

I will only sing Your praise

The battles of a homesick missionary

I worked as a camp counselor for several summers during my college years. I remember during the first night of every week with the junior campers being told to be alert for homesick campers. I say junior campers because they are at the age of 8-11 where they are spending time away from home for the first time in their lives. To be honest I never understood homesickness in my campers. Yes, I sympathized with them but I never fully understood. Primarily because when I was a junior camper I was the one saying, "bye, Mom and Dad" before we even unloaded my things from the car.

Now, at 25 years old, I can say I have experienced homesickness. I remember during my first few months in Colorado feeling a minor longing for the comforts of home. Soon after I made friends and I consider my year in CO to be one of the most influential years of my life. I can truthfully say that I am experiencing homesickness right now like I've never experienced. It's no fun. Most of the time it rears it's ugly head at night as I'm settling in for bed. Personally, at night it's much easier to handle. I say a prayer and ask for sweet dreams and then I fall asleep. Luckily since being in Peru I have never had any issues with sleeping.

However, a couple weeks ago it started to show itself first thing in the morning before I even get out of bed. This is where it is hard. Hard to get out of bed. Hard to stop crying. Hard to maintain a positive attitude. Yes, this is an opportunity to see God at work in tangible ways throughout the day but it is exhausting. Not only is learning a new language and culture already exhausting it is even more exhausting to put your mind on a new thought path. One that doesn't involve thoughts of the familiar and the comfortable, one that doesn't involve thinking of the things that you loved back at home. It's hard. It's exhausting.

A couple weeks ago, Monday through Thursday, I had to face this dreaded beast called homesickness everyday when I woke up. I had to make a conscious decision every morning to thank God for bringing me this far. I cannot fight this battle without him. But I need to be honest. This battle is not getting easier. With each passing day and being more tired and exhausted than the previous day make it hard to do it all over again. I know my God is bigger than my circumstances and that he will help me through this. I ask for prayer. That each day I can make steps forward. That God would give me clarity for what his purpose for me in Peru is. Because when all you can think about is life back at home your view of why you are where you are becomes jaded.

So former campers of mine. I get it now. I'm sorry for not understanding. Homesickness is no easy beast to overcome.

It's been a couple weeks since I initially wrote the above. I've changed things around a little because these strong homesickness feelings are in the past. Yes, here and now thoughts of home and tears come flooding but I'm doing much better.

After having some good but hard conversations with missionaries here I'm learning to have contentment with where I am. It's not easy. Right now I am lacking a clear view of what the future holds for me beyond language school. I'm not going to go into all the details but here are specific ways you can be praying for me over the next month:
-Pray for eyes to see my potential for ministry here
-Pray for my excitement for the ministry here to return
-Pray for me to keep an open mind
-Pray that I would be able to see tangible areas of ministry to get involved in after I complete language school without having to completely start a new program.

Thanks for your prayers. I really have felt God intervening as my homesickness this week has subsided and I have been able to think more clearly. This has been made evident in my Spanish studies as this week my imagination for writing in Spanish has started to come. Here's a favorite that I wrote having to use 5 irregular verbs in the present tense: "Yo persigo mi pollo. Mi favorito tipo de pollo es cuando yo lo frío. Yo me despido del pollo y sirvolo. Yo sonrío porque me gusta pollo frito." Translation: I persecute my chicken. My favorite type of chicken is when I fry it. I say goodbye to the chicken and serve it. I smile because I like fried chicken."

"Just keep getting back up."

This evening I spent a good amount of time dividing my piles to bring to Peru into three piles. One for each suitcase I will be bringing with. When I hit a good stopping point I decided to put the piles into the bags and weigh them. Just to see what I'm dealing with and how much I have left before the weight becomes an issue. As I zipped one of the bags shut with contents thrown in to weigh it. That's when it hit. Rather blind sided. Hit like a fly ball out of left field. A wrecking ball. I was hit with a wall of emotions. I'm ACTUALLY moving to Peru. A week from tomorrow I board a plane. In seven short days this idea that I've been gearing up for for almost two years is coming to fruition. I'm ACTUALLY doing this. I'd be lying if I said there were no tears. I was hit with the sadness of leaving family. The excitement of a new adventure. The scared feeling of the unknown that comes with a new adventure. Anger because of the things I already know I will be missing like birthdays and holidays. Happy because this season has brought lots of different people back into my life who I haven't spoke to in a while. Tender because sometimes the actions that others have presented during this season leave me feeling loved and cared for. Now if you're familiar with S.A.S.H.E.T. you will have noticed that I am feeling every emotion under the sun. Which is hard for me to accept. I don't typically put my emotions in a powerpoint presentation for the world to see but right now I feel it's necessary. With all the transition in my life right now I know one thing for sure. Jesus is with me. He is here with me and all my emotions. He knows exactly how to comfort when I need comfort. He knows exactly how to love when I need love. He knows exactly how to give peace when I have a restless mind.

I also know another thing to be true. God has given me a ministry to fulfill that I cannot do on my own. (If I'm citing sources this is where I would enter a footnote because this thought comes from Beth Moore. I'll come back to her soon.) A couple years back while interning in Colorado a phrase that was repeated many times was this, "The sovereign God has entrusted me with a portion of his kingdom. How am I going to treat it? How am I going to take care of it?" Yesterday morning I sat in on the first video of Beth Moore's Bible study, Entrusted. One of the key points this week was that we can't do this life alone. We need people to do life alongside. We need people who are our Paul's, our mentors. We need people who are our Timothy's, our mentees. We need friends, who will go through the trenches and back with us because that's what friends do. You're probably wondering why on earth I took a huge rabbit trail from talking about Peru and emotions to talking about being entrusted with a portion of God's kingdom and not being able to do it alone. Well here's the connection. In seven days the kingdom I've been entrusted with, the ministry I am to fulfill, is going to drastically change. Yes, there are definitely parts that will remain the same. Family and friends will still be a part of it but the role in which I feed into their lives and theirs into mine is going to shift. The people I encounter regularly is going to change. The people who go through the trenches with me here and now will not be able to go through the trenches with me to the same extent in seven days. I'll need new people to do that. I'll need a new Paul in my life, I'll need a new Timothy in my life. Quite frankly, this idea of not being able to fulfill the ministry that God's called me to on my own is a little scratch that, IS terrifying when you don't have a support system built up around you. Now I know with time I will have a support system. God's brought people into my life once during a lonely period and I know he will do it again. Because he has entrusted me with a portion of his kingdom. He has given me a ministry to fulfill and I can't do it by myself, as much as the introvert would like to, I know I can't. I need Jesus. I need friends. I need my people. Beth Moore finished her video session with five important words for when I feel like I can't do it anymore, "Just keep getting back up." When learning Spanish is hurting my brain and I feel defeated, "Just keep getting back up." When the public transportation system is overwhelming, "Just keep getting back up." When communicating with my host family is difficult because of the language barrier, "Just keep getting back up." When I've hit my end and I don't want to get up, "Jesus, help me get back up."