All Fear Removed

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to attend the IF:Gathering. More specifically the IF:Wheaton, IF: Local, IF: Gathering. Basically a live stream of the IF: Gathering that took place in Austin, TX with local Wheaton women at a local church. During this weekend one of the songs that we sang quite a few times was Sinking Deep by Hillsong. I sang along the first time mindlessly singing the words not really thinking about what I was singing. Let alone singing in praise to God. The second time we sang the song I started to listen to the words. What exactly was I singing? What was I singing praise about? While listening to the chorus I became deeply convicted of something that I have been dealing with in my own life. Fear. The chorus goes as follows: 
I'm wide awake, drawing close, stirred by grace
And all my heart is yours
All fear removed, I breathe you in, I lean into
Your love, oh, your love
There are those words, "all fear removed." It didn't read just a little fear or some fear. No. It read ALL fear removed. Here I thought I was doing good in the fear category. I mean I'm moving to another country within the year to do ministry. You'd think this wasn't an issue for me. Yet I still find myself stopped, dead in my tracks, by those four letters. FEAR. I couldn't rightfully sing the song anymore. At least not until I confronted my big ugly fear head on. Low and behold during that very session of the IF:Gathering we were going to confess our sin. Oh goodie! During the confession, on the screen different sins would be flashed up. If we had committed that sin we would light up our phone screens and shine the light into the darkness. Yes. A very hi-tech confession but nonetheless a powerful visual to watch. As sin after sin flashed up on to the screen I found myself waiting for my moment to confess my living out of fear. Then up on the screen, as if God had written that slide for me personally, it read, "If you've been making decisions out of fear." I shone my phone into the darkness, shed light on the sin in my life and confess that I am not perfect and that I need God's help. 

As the evening continued we sang Sinking Deep again only this time instead of the words "all fear removed" sticking out. It was the latter part, "I lean into your love." I realize that fear is not the easiest sin to defeat but if I lean into God's love. Defeating it will become much easier. I'll be the first to admit that I still live out of fear. But knowing that it is out in the open and in the light and that I have given it to God and prayed for his help on the journey to defeat it will be easier. I say easier because, simply put, it's not easy. But with God working in me and through me it is definitely becoming easier. During the passing days since the IF:Gathering I continue to pray that God would not let me make decisions out of my fear and slowly I'm starting to see fruition. 

If you've never heard the song before I'd go ahead and take a listen. Down there↓

"I'm a Missionary."

I remember growing up walking into church on Missions Sunday as a child. I remember walking into the sanctuary to sit at the usual Koch family pew and being completely in awe of the flags hanging from the ceiling from all over the globe. After singing some songs in worship a missionary would take the stage and share stories about life in the bush of Africa or sharing gospel to the people of Asia. I remember as a young child thinking, "WOW, I want to be like them!" However, once the innocence of a child wears off. I didn't think that the missionary life was so cool. In fact, I never thought I was the missionary type. Don't get me wrong. I loved global missions and the work missionaries were doing for Christ around the world but I was fine doing kids ministry in the U.S. of A. I would even continue to go on several short term missions trips throughout my high school and college career.

Little did I know that as I went on these short term trips as a student God would begin to plant the seed for missions on my heart. What started with high school missions trips would eventually lead me to where I am today. Which is a missionary.

Not too long ago I spent a week down in the Smoky Mountains at missionary orientation with TEAM. On the last day of orientation they commissioned all of us as missionaries. I remember during the commissioning one of the men leading the morning said, "Well, I guess you are all officially missionaries now!" I remember coming home and going to church the next Sunday where I would run into a long time family friend who I hadn't seen in quite a few years. They asked me, "What are you doing these days?" Meaning where do I work. I begin to answer the question with, "I'm currently unemployed. But..." Then I stopped. Thought a little bit. Then spewed out, "I'm a missionary." This was the first time I had called myself a missionary. EVER. I stood there rather shocked at my answer while thinking I hope this person doesn't see how shocked I am on my face. (I'm known for making faces that I'm not aware of.) Fortunately, they didn't realize my shock and answered with, "Wow, that's really awesome!" We then went on to talk about Peru and my vision to work with the children's ministry at the church in Arequipa.

All that to say, I'm a missionary. Me. Plain Jane Alison is a missionary. If you had asked me a year ago where I'd be right now I would not have responded with, I'm a missionary. Goes to say that God can change the trajectory of your life in an instant. That is, when you choose to follow God in every circumstance He will lead you in situations that you aren't always comfortable with. I have to remember, now more than anything, that I'm not called to be comfortable. If anything I need to be uncomfortable. For me being uncomfortable is a sign of learning and growth. I'm incredibly excited for the journey that God is taking me on. It's not always easy but I know that in the end it will be eternally rewarding. Because my comfort is nowhere near as important as one's salvation.

Celebrating Growth

Fun fact: I'm writing this while sitting at the Union at Taylor University while listening to Spotify. Somethings never change. As I sit here I think of all the memories I had during my four years as a student at Taylor. However, right now I'm not reflecting on what happened during my time at Taylor but where I have come since graduating from Taylor in May of 2014. Since graduation I have spent two summers at Village Creek Bible Camp and 11 months at Flatirons Community Church. These two locations of ministry have added lots of potential for growth in my life. The reason for reflecting on the last year is because something happened last night that would not have happened during my time as a student.

Last night I had the opportunity to be the speaker at Basics. (Quick reminder, Basics was the ministry that I volunteered with during my time at Taylor.) Not only was I the speaker but I had the opportunity to present the story of Saul/Paul in the light of not being ashamed to share the gospel. In the moments before I went up to speak I was talking with one of my professors and the Basics director, Joy. Joy pointed out that if I had been asked to teach when I was a student I would have said no. Not only would I have said not but I'm pretty sure I would have had a minor heart attack. Hence, I am celebrating growth of the past year and a half since graduation.

One thing that I had absolutely hated a year ago was teaching. However, a year later I love it. I love being able to be up front sharing stories from God's Word in a way that kids will be engaged from start to finish. Last night I witnessed 6th grader boys sitting on the edge of their seats waiting to hear the end of the story. When usually this group is rowdy and hard to keep the attention of. Not only do I enjoy sharing the stories with kids but I actually enjoy being on the stage teaching and speaking. A year ago when speaking my voice would be shaky, my hands would be sweaty, I would have been glued to my notes and the podium. Yesterday, was different. Yesterday, I utilized the stage. I moved around. My voice got quiet and got loud. I had my notes on stage sitting on the podium for security purposes but I didn't touch them once. So Flatirons. I think that thanks is due. Thank you for helping me discover this love to teach. Thanks for helping me discover my voice, my confidence. Thanks. The opportunity to have seen the growth first hand would not have happened last night if I hadn't volunteered to speak at Basics. It's quite an experience to be able to teach in front of a former professor without them having to grade you. It's even better when they come up to you afterwards and say that it was fun to watch me teach. Even though I didn't have any fire.

To make things even better I got to surprise two of my own Basics girls last night while they were at church for youth group. I loved being able to see the young ladies that they are growing into. It's crazy to think of how much they have grown and changed since I first met them at 3rd graders. Now they are big 8th graders and were talking about how they are getting driving permits in a year...

That's a Wrap!

I realize that I am well overdue for another blog update. But that just goes to say that life has been busy and well lived the past few months. Let's rewind to the month of May. Two significant things happened during the month. The first was a trip to the good ol Midwest for one of my college roommate's wedding. The weekend was filled with so much, but I had a great time with college friends, visiting my home church, having lunch with my nephew, and even a neighborhood block party!

The second significant happening of the month was that I got to tag team teach in the first and second grade room at the Lafayette Campus. I remember walking off stage with a new passion to teach kids. The best thing about it was that I had ZERO jitters or nervousness when I walked on stage. Let me tell you. That is a major accomplishment for me. I have always had a fear of public speaking. I recall in middle school being a part of the drama team. Yes, that is what they called it. And yes, there was THAT kind of drama involved as well as the thespian kind. But back to the point. I was a super shy, super awkward middle schooler. You would have thought that speaking would have killed me then. I still don't understand why I was on the drama team but I was. I remember after one show a student with her locker next to mine came up to me and said, "You're not very good at that whole acting thing are you?" As a middle schooler this was crushing. And it stuck. For a very long time. Too long if you ask me. But words are sticky. And these words shaped how I viewed myself when speaking in front of large groups for years and years to follow. But let's fast forward to June.

June was filled with even more opportunities to teach. Which is awesome. In the words of my supervisor, "You killed it up there!" (insert high five here). This particular time I did not tag team. I took the whole lesson. Not only did I teach once on this particular weekend but I taught twice! Each time feeling much more confident and relaxed than the last. The cool thing about teaching is that when you lead a small group afterwards you get to see the lightbulbs flick on as the kids understand what was taught.

June also held yet another trip to the good ol Midwest for the wedding of my first college roommate of 3 years, Jenn. I had a great weekend getting to be a part of her special day. Visiting with college friends, laughing, driving in lots of rain, being responsible for pinning boutonnieres on everyone when you have never pinned a boutonniere ever before in your life, and catching the bouquet after it was first thrown straight into the ceiling. I like to say that it went up to Jesus first to be blessed and then came down to me.

Now onto July. July has been a whirlwind to say the least. July 2nd I got into a pretty bad car accident. My car was totaled. I remember getting out of my car at the scene and looking back at my smashed to smithereens car and thinking, "how the heck am I alive right now?" I have always known that God is a God who protects. But until you are in a life threatening situation you don't fully understand. Life is truly a precious gift from God. Miraculously, I came out of the accident with almost zero pain. I had some bruising from my seatbelt but other than that I came out completely unscathed. During this time I had my amazing friends here in Colorado come around me and drive me to and from work until I was approved to get a rental car. Thanks to Melissa, Anne, and Lara for driving me places and everyone else who covered me in prayers. They were greatly appreciated. Also big thanks to my awesome parents who helped me through the whole insurance company process that turned into a bigger headache than needed. I also need to mention that on this day I got to skype with a missionary from Peru. It was so cool to hear more about the ministry going on there and what I could potentially do there if I am approved.

This last month has also held an interview with TEAM. I met up with my missions coach, Stephanie, and her supervisor, Jerome, at a coffee shop in Littleton. I arrived and was looking around for them at the shop and saw them sitting at a table in the back. They stood up and greeted me and then they instructed me that they had reserved a room for us to meet in. We get to the room and it turns out to be a closet with a table and three chairs and a dinky lightbulb hanging from the ceiling. Needless to say, it was the most unique setting for an interview that I have ever had. 

I also had my last weekend at the West Campus. The team thanked me with balloons and getting donuts for all of our leaders in Summit. I have loved my time at the West Campus. Getting opportunities to teach, lead small groups, get to know kids and leaders has been a wonderful experience. But I have mostly loved the team that I have served with. Lara, Susan, Sarah, and Melissa have been such a wonderful team of ladies to do life with this past year. We even got a little R and R time in Breckenridge, which was much needed after the week I had with my car accident.

I also gave my final internship presentation this past week. It was a really cool experience to hear about everyone's different experiences and seeing everyone's personalities come out during their presentations. This year has definitely been a year of growth and transformation for me. I pray that I can continue to reflect on this past year and have even more things revealed to me about what I have learned.

So many of you have asked what is next for me now that the internship is coming to a close. Well August 9 I start up at Village Creek Bible Camp where I will serve for at least 6 weeks before settling in with my parents in Wheaton. Lord willing, I will hear in September if I am approved to go to the missionary orientation with TEAM in November to go to Peru. I also hope to find a part time job in the Wheaton area. So if you know of anyone who needs a nanny starting in October or has a flexible part time job opening let me know!

Prayer Requests:
-Finishing the internship strong
-Preparedness to serve at VCBC
-The final steps in the TEAM application process
-Car negotiations
-Next steps once my time at VCBC ends

What a month...

This past month has probably been the largest emotional roller coaster of my life. I don't even like roller coasters. Which means the past month was hard. It may have been hard but it was a good kind of hard. The kind of hard where you come out the other end and you are thankful that it was hard otherwise you would have not learned anything about life and the plans that God has in it. I'm thankful that God allows us to learn amidst hard situations.

You see, this past month was filled with applications, interviews, visits from parents, conversations about my future, many hours in prayer, and many moments of confusion. Oh and a super tough retreat that rocked me to my core.

This month I filled out the first two applications for TEAM. TEAM stands for The Evangelical Alliance Mission. TEAM "partners with the local church to send missionaries and establish reproducing churches among the nations, going where the most people have the most need and proclaiming the gospel in both word and action." With that being said. I'm super excited about the opportunity that God has placed before me to pursue missions in Peru. My hope is to partner with the local Peruvians in Arequipa at El Camino Church to develop a kid's ministry program and train locals so that eventually it will be lead by them. I'm currently on the track to spend 2 years there. However, there is a long process ahead of me before I actually depart for Peru. There are still many interviews and documents that need to be filled out. I'm on track to finish everything by Mid-July, Early-August to have my file reviewed by the Midterm missions board in September. If my file is approved then I will be in contact with current missionaries in Peru to learn more about the culture and needs of Arequipa. This also means that I can attend a week long training in November. At this point will be able to start fundraising. Once I reach the 60-70% range I will attend another training. Then once the 100% is in I will leave for Peru! This whole process could potentially take up to a year and sometimes longer. I would greatly appreciate your prayers through this process as I have been dreaming of going back to Peru since I got back from a short term trip two years ago. It's hard to believe that this dream may become a reality!! If you would like to read more about TEAM and the missions opportunity in Peru click here!

If there is anything I've learned this past month it is that I need to be in constant prayer and in complete trust of what the Holy Spirit is doing in my life. I've seen prayers answered this month in ways I have never seen before. I'm learning that when you put complete trust in Him to direct, you things will happen.

Like I said earlier in this blog. I went on a Women's Retreat with Flatirons. I can't post a ton of details about the retreat here. As some of you reading this will be attending the retreat this fall. What I can say is that the strategy for my life has changed. I have asked for God to help me as I move forward to leave my burden in the past and seek to be the queen, lover, magi, and warrior of the kingdom that the sovereign God has entrusted me with.

On another note, the internship is starting to wind down. It's crazy to think that there are only 2 1/2 months left!! Where did the year go?!?!?! I've been incredibly blessed to have been a part of such an amazing place. Flatirons has become a home away from home for me. I've learned a lot this year about myself and about God and about ministry. Some people asked me if I regretted moving to Colorado because I am no longer going to live here after July 31. My answer. NOT AT ALL!!! This year has helped me to realize that I can survive thrive in an area where I initially did not know anyone. It has helped me to discover myself and what I am capable of without without my Wheaton "bubble" around me. I have loved living in Colorado this past year. I've gained so many new friends and let's be honest those friends have been more like family for me this year. I'm sad to leave them in Colorado as I move forward in this journey of my life but I'm so thankful for them and the support they have offered me.

Please pray that I would be able to be fully present in the last 2 1/2 months of the internship. I've already started to see my focus shift to the future. Pray that I would continue to invest in the friendships and ministries at Flatirons even as my time here comes to an end. (For now that is. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up at Flatirons again in the future.) Pray for me to stay aligned with God's calling in my life and that I would stay focused on him when I want things to go my way.

Leaders Go First

Growing up I never considered myself to be a leader. In my head when I thought of a leader I thought of someone who was outgoing, extroverted, and someone who had no fear of public speaking. However, according to Dictionary.com, a leader, "is a person who rules, guides, or inspires others". Well I'm not a ruler, both the piece of wood for making measurements or the one that controls a nation. However, I do guide people. And I'd like to think that I inspire people.

But more recently I'm learning that besides the obvious traits of a leader that a leader is someone who goes first even when its hard.

One of the values at Flatirons is authentic community. We strive to create a place where people come alongside one another and say, "Me too." I'm learning that one of the only ways to create a truly authentic community to is be the leader that goes first and puts the tough crap of their life out there for others to say, "Me too." 

As an intern in a mega church it's often difficult to think that you're a leader. The culture that we live in gives the stereotype that comes with an intern as "I'm just an intern. Can I get you coffee?"I know that this is far from the truth at Flatirons but because of the usual connotation that comes with the title intern you don't think of a leader. 

Recently, as interns, we finished reading Henri Nouwen's book, In the Name of Jesus: A Christian Reflection on Leadership. This was the second time reading it for me but this time I got to read it from a new perspective. I got to read in through the lense of a leader in the church. You see as we read through it the view of myself as a leader shifted. There are many ways in which I am a leader. I'm a leader of leaders in the 1st-2nd grade room. Meaning that if they need something they look to me for help. I'm a leader to the 1st-2nd graders that come in every weekend. Now, I try to let the volunteer leaders do as much of the leading as possible but when the timing is right and the leaders are few I jump in and lead a small group. 

Going through college one thing that people always told me about leading was that I led by example. I never asked what they meant but I seemed to agree for the most part but I never put leading by example as a trait of leadership until this past weekend. 

Last weekend I got to teach in the 3rd-5th grade room at West Campus. The story was from John 13:1-20. The story of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. While studying the Scripture for myself before memorizing the script it hit that Jesus led by example. Now I'm pretty sure that I knew this before but this particular moment it really sunk in deep. Jesus went first in washing the disciples feet. After reading through the script I learned that Jesus gave us this example as a tangible way to serve others. He went first. Jesus was a leader. Leaders go first. 

Now, how the heck do I take this leaders go first mentality of washing disciples feet and make it relevant for me today? Well all I had to do when I first asked myself this question was look up and see my Taylor towel staring me in the face. All I had to say was of course! How did I not think of the Taylor towel before?! The Taylor towel is given to each student who enters and graduates from TU. At the start of each school year a new batch a freshman receive a towel that they are supposed to use. The towel reads, "One another Philippians 2:4" Philippians 2:4 says, "not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the other." For the student this meant to live each day with others on the forefront. Then there was another Taylor towel that is given to students are graduation. This towel is more of a symbolic towel to put on display as a reminder that we are to be servant leaders just as Jesus did. This second towel is symbolic of being the good neighbor. Being someone who would selflessly serve their neighbor with no complaints. If you want to hear more about the Taylor towel I recommend watching this youtube video that JR Briggs, a Taylor grad and speaker at many Taylor chapels, made. 

So there you have it. Leaders go first. Me too. Taylor Towel. Wash feet. Serve others. Authentic community. 

February: The Month of Love

This may be cheesy but for me the month of February was definitely the month of love. From friends, family, and others I have experienced love in many ways this month.

The first way that I experienced love was on a hike at Chautauqua Trailhead in Boulder, CO. I woke up one Friday morning and saw that it was 72 degrees outside. It was my day off so I thought, "A hike sounds good today!" So I put on my sweats and a tshirt and told Siri to take me to Chautauqua Trailhead. Next thing I know I'm hiking up an incredibly slushy, muddy, and snowy trail. But it was so worth it. On my way down the mountain I saw a huge boulder that had a gorgeous view of the Flatirons. (A rock formation, not the church I work at.) So I climbed up and took a seat and basked in God's creation. For as long as I can remember one of the best ways that I connected with God is through nature and song. I turn to my phone and start playing some Vertical Church Band music and look up at the Flatirons and I couldn't help but be completely overwhelmed by the love that God has for me. This is the greatest of all loves in my life because God loves us no matter what. His love is unconditional and never ceasing. This is why it is often hard for us to accept his love because it is something that we will never be able to fully comprehend because of our sinful nature.

Another way in which I experienced love this month was on Galentine's Day, February 13th. A friend invited several of us girls from Merge over to go jump on some trampolines at Jump City and then chill at her apartment over some food and wine. I had so much fun on this night! For me this night was really one of the first times that I had been invited to hang out with people who were not other interns inviting me. We all arrived at Jump City and after a couple rounds in the foam pit and on the trampolines we went to the dodgeball court. We started a boys versus girls game. Keep in mind the boys were cocky middle schoolers and we are twentysomething women. We won 3 of the 5 games. We were a little proud of ourselves, to say the least. After 5 games we were tired and headed back to the apartment where we shared stories and food with one another. This was a night of friends loving on friends and making time for the ladies in our lives during a season that is so focused on significant others.

Third. This month I got to fly back to Chicago for a weekend for my cousin, Andrew's wedding. I loved being able to spend some quality time with family. It was nice to my own bathroom and washer and dryer for a weekend and a full sized bed to sprawl out on. The wedding was held in a converted barn. It was beautiful. The decorations were so well done and I got see my brother, sister in law and nephew. After the wedding I asked my grandma if I could spend the night with her. When I arrived at her apartment she opened up one of her kitchen cabinets and started telling me that I could have her dishes set. This is the dish set that I think of when I think of my grandma and meals at her place. Little did I know is that these dishes were passed down to her from my great grandma Harsch. I was blown away. A entire set of dishes: plates, bowls, salad plates, serving bowls, etc. were all mine. I was incredibly thankful for my grandmas gift and I can't wait to go back in May to box them all up to use at my own place someday and have my family gathered around the table eating from Great Grandma Harsch's dishes. I also got to have lunch with my cousin Christina. Christina and I have been good buds for as long as I can remember. I love getting together with her and creating new ridiculous memories like jumping out of a window at Grandmas house that was NOT at ground level. Finally the weekend at home wrapped up with a Saturday night service at Glen Ellyn Bible Church. I love that whenever I go back to Glen Ellyn that I have a church that welcomes me with open arms. It was great to spend a weekend at home wondering around my old stomping ground.

 
Finally, the last example I have of love in the month of February was Shine. Shine is an event that Flatirons hosts about every other year, it's a prom type party for those in our community who have special needs. During the course of a week our church transforms the auditorium into a dance floor, the lobby into a superhero cityscape, the kids ministry rooms into areas for carnival games, caregiver retreat, and food service. Every single inch of the church is utilized for this awesome night. We had about 2,000 guests who came decked out in the formal suits and prom dresses for this evening to celebrate them. I had the privilege of serving on the food service team. I waited on three tables and served them food and drinks throughout the majority of the night. After clearing out the room and tearing down the chairs and tables we were able to enjoy the last 30 minutes out on the dance floor. SO MUCH FUN!!! After the last dance it is all hands on deck to reset all of the rooms for church services this weekend. The amount of hands that go into this night is unbelievable. From coming in during the week to set up the rooms to serving food to being an escort and many other jobs. This night would not be possible without the awesome volunteers that come alongside the work that God is doing through Flatirons. This night was the best! I'm so glad that Shine happened during my internship year. It's awesome to see so many people rallying together to love on those who are usually shamed in our society.

To say the least, February had been an awesome month. With each passing day I grow more and more comfortable with where I am at in life. A sign that this is happening is that I have shared many sarcastic comments in the workplace over the last month. I love my job and the people I get to work alongside to create a place where kids and leaders can bump into Jesus.